My teacher pointed at me with a ruler and said "at the end of this ruler is an idiot".I got detention for saying which end are you talking about?

Two doctors are having sex. He says to her, "You must be a surgeon, you washed your hands before and after." She replies, "Well you must be an anesthetist, because I didn't feel a thing!"

Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence

A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his penis 
An ugly woman is passing and remarks, "If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ..." 
He replies, "If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!"

Truck driver is stuck under bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. 
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" 
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

 My wife says I never listen, or something like that ...

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he 
has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. 
The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to 
bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man 
returns, to follow him. 
 The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. 
"So did you follow him?" 
"I did." 
"And...where did he go?" 
"Over to your house...

lmao

These are very funny, lmfao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?

B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.

A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.

B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

Herman's will was read: "To my beautiful wife I`ll leave the two homes and $5 million dollars. To my son, Steven, I`ll leave the business and $2 million dollars. To my sweet daughtger Alice, I`ll leave my roll royce, an $2 million dollars. To my brother in law, Sam, who said I`d never remeber him in my will...."Hi Sam!"

Lmao

This old man was taking his pills rogain and viagra.Problem was he had bad eyesite and took them both.He ended U p with hair to hard to comb.heehee

LOL

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-ass

I was out for a drink with the wife last night and I said, "I love you". 
She asked me, "Is that you or the beer talking" 
I said, "It's me........I'm talking to the beer"!

A monkey goes into a bar and asks the barman: 
- Do you have any bananas? 
- No,I don't. ( says the barman) 
- Do you have any bananas? (asks the monkey) 
- No,I have not got any bananas!!! 
- Do you have any bananas? 
- If you ask me that question one more time, I'll nail your tongue to the counter!!! 
- Do you have any nails? 
- No,I don't. 
- Do you have any bananas?

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user friendly.

One day Dick Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France. 
Then, George Bush said, " If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I'll make one person happy!" 
Then Dick Cheney said, " Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I'll make ten people happy!" 
Then Laura Bush said, " If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I'll make a hundred people happy."
Then the pilot said, " Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I'll make six billion people happy."